05 March 2009

A Reader's Lament: Melody hates her kitchen

At the suggestion of my blog mentor, I'm trying to build a community around this blog. My new Reader Question series is a part of that as is a new entry I'm calling A Reader's Lament. Is there something about your current space that you're powerless to change? Write it up and send it to me. With your permission, I'll run it here and you may get some catharsis from it. It won't change anything of course, but sometimes it feels good just to yell and get it out of your system.

The following was sent to me by my friend Melody McFarland from San Diego. Melody is a woman of as varied interests as me and her blog, I Like Pigeons Because Nobody Else Does, is a sounding board for all of them. Melody's a biologist with a knack for mounting specimens that rivals her ability to crank out couture-level clothing. Her blog makes me think and it makes me laugh and for my money, that's winning combination.

Melody and I grew up in adjoining small towns in rural Pennsylvania and struck out to see the world on out own terms. However, Melody and her husband are gearing up to move back to Pennsylvania after a 20 year absence. That fact alone will have me glued to her blog as she makes that transition.

So without further ado, here's Melody's lament:

I absolutely loathe the kitchen in the house we rent. Honestly, I don't think I've ever hated a kitchen more and I just need to vent because you are one of the few people who truly understands what it is to feel such rancor for a work-space. It's ugly. It's boring. It's poorly done. It has substandard, cheap worthless appliances. It's fucking loathsome. 

Take a look at the pictures. Who had their head far enough up their ass that would not permit them to see the stupidity in the installation of tile on a kitchen counter? Did they not take into consideration the filth that would accumulate in the grout? I make a lot of kneaded things - bread, pizza dough, pasta - and of course it's impossible to knead on that stupid counter. So I have to use a pastry board that slides across the counter unless I fold up a beach towel and put it underneath. Each time I do this I feel a small amount of rage. Simply wiping the counter off requires scrubbing and a brush. If I don't use a brush, all I'm doing is crushing filth and dirt down into the grout. 

Look at those appliances! A Whirlpool range? Talk about a piece of shit. Whatever happened to people taking pride in producing a quality product? I'd be embarrassed to sell the thing. The dishwasher is a Kitchen Aid and I don't even bother to use it anymore. Nothing on the top rack gets clean. You want to see someone pissed off? Come by when I run the dishwasher and unload it.
Look at the "style". Have you ever seen a more insipid, uninspiring half-assed piece of crap? Those cabinets are an atrocity! 

I hated this kitchen from the get-go, but now that our new house with my very own kitchen is just three short months away, my irritation has increased by an order of magnitude. I just hope I can get out of here without dousing it with kerosene and torching it. The thing is, our landlord acts like we're living in the Biltmore. 

This whole tirade was just incited by the fact that I made bread this morning and had to do the whole too-small-pastry-board-and-towel routine.

Thank you Melody and I hope my running this here makes your cross a little easier to bear. And again, check out I like Pigeons Because Nobody Else Does.


  1. Whaddaya know! I finally figured out how to post a comment!
    I just need to add to this tirade that I do really like the rest of the house. It was built about 74 years ago and has a lot of character that includes original wood floors and an adorable round Hobbit-like fireplace. It needs some renovations which the landlords are preparing to begin just as soon as we move out in a few months.
    I guess this kitchen would have suited a less-serious cook than myself, but I am in need of an industrial strength kitchen. I cook dinner almost every night of the week and this place is just not cut out for that kind of heavy use. They're going to install new cabinets and, I hope, new counters. I just don't understand how anyone can live with these things!!

  2. Is leaving a comment on this blog a problem? I keep hearing reports that it is but as the admin I don't see what you guys see. What's seems to be the trouble?

    Whatever, I'm glad you made it through the gauntlet Melody and thanks for the material.

  3. Melody, I can feel (read) your pain! At least there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

  4. Paul - good luck with this new feature! If I had kitchen woes I'd definitely send you my lament!!

    Melody, hang in there; you'll be in your new house/kitchen before you know it!!

    Victoria from EdinDesigns @ DesignTies


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