Saturday ha ha ha

This story from the Onion sent me into paroxysms of glee yesterday. Thank you Paul Krugman for pointing it out.

WASHINGTON—A panel of top business leaders testified before Congress about the worsening recession Monday, demanding the government provide Americans with a new irresponsible and largely illusory economic bubble in which to invest.

"What America needs right now is not more talk and long-term strategy, but a concrete way to create more imaginary wealth in the very immediate future," said Thomas Jenkins, CFO of the Boston-area Jenkins Financial Group, a bubble-based investment firm. "We are in a crisis, and that crisis demands an unviable short-term solution."

"Natural" my butt

This is iron in its natural state.

But if I melt it down and mix it with the carbon I get from super heating limestone it will become something else. So can I still say that this house is being framed with natural iron framing material?

This is wood in it's natural state.

If I chop up wood into small pieces and mix it with a polymer adhesive, can I still call this natural wood substrate?

If I called steel "natural iron framing" or if I said that particle board were natural wood anything people would say I didn't know what I'm talking about. Right?

This is quartz in its natural state.

If I chop up that quartz, dye it and then add a petroleum-derived polymer to it I can still call it a "Natural Quartz."  Right?

Huh? Well according to most of the manufacturers of the product above I can. Silestone actually has it as part of the name of their product. "Silestone Natural Quartz,"  they call it. But it isn't just Silestone. The whole industry uses that term in an attempt to muddy the water and leave people with the impression that Quartz counters come out of the ground. Or that they're sustainable. After all, they're natural, right? 

In Europe, that product is referred to as composite. I like that better. So composite it will be from now on.

Composite is a counter material that I like. Though I cannot stand how its marketed. I like Caesarstone above all of them, and that's due in a large part to the fact that they shy away from the whole natural thing. But c'mon already. Things have names and names are important. There is an objective truth out there and marketing be damned.

I went to a seminar sponsored by the father of all lies, DuPont, a couple of years ago. DuPont makes a composite product called Zodiaq and this seminar was one of my continuing education things that designers are supposed to go to from time to time. There were about 20 of us and as we filed into the conference room, some DuPont lackey handed each of us a black velvet bag with a quartz crystal inside. They were acting as if they were giving each of us the Hope Diamond or something.

Anyhow, the kids in the marketing department had been working over time to come up with the content of this seminar. The web of deception spun by those people was incredible. The party line is that DuPont has a very special and secret quartz mine in Canada where they harvest crystals like the ones we'd been given. Once harvested, those perfect crystals are lovingly and magically turned into Zodiaq brand Natural Quartz counters. There may be other brands out there, they whispered, but none of them have a special and secret mine in Canada.

Spare me.

Here's how quartz comes out of the earth. Quartz is the most common mineral found in the earth's crust. It forms alongside other ores and until people started making composite counters with it, it was considered to be waste and used as landfill.

Quartz and other waste stone aggregates are what composite counters are made from. Not magically obtained and transformed quartz crystals.

That certainly doesn't make them inferior or bad. In fact, I think it's a testament to human intelligence and ingenuity that someone figured out a way to make something beautiful out of a waste product. It's a clever reuse and in bringing it to market, composite developers and manufacturers created a whole new category of counter material and that's a pretty cool thing.

Next time, I'll say nice things about quartz. Stay tuned.

Sometimes, "granite" isn't granite at all

This is Absolute Black. It is always labeled and sold as granite but it isn't granite. It's a mineral called gabbro.

When magma gets trapped in a single layer underneath the earth's crust, it will gradually cool and form gabbro. Now if the same material were to be pushed up from below under great pressure, it would form granite. But then again, if that magma were to come in contact with water it would turn instantly into basalt. Are you still following me here? Gabbro, granite and basalt are essentially the same material in different forms. In order to form granite, magma needs a good hard squeeze so its component materials can separate and form large crystals. If magma cools very quickly upon contact with air or water, it will form basalt. And if magma is left alone for a couple million years it will form gabbro.

Why is this important? Well, it's important because those three phases of former magma have different properties. Basalt is the most brittle of the three which is why it doesn't get used as counter top material. Most granites are strong enough to be sliced into 3cm sheets without too much trouble. But gabbro, due to its uniform crystal size and density is stronger than granite. This means that it can handle longer, unsupported overhangs --like on a bar. It can be carved into more ornate edge treatments and since it's so uniform, it is more water resistant. Absolute black is a great stone to make into a sink, whereas you wouldn't want to use most granites for that purpose.

The downside to it (if it's truly a downside) is that it's always black or very nearly black. Chances are good that if you're looking at a uniformly black or very dark grey granite, you're not looking at a piece of granite at all, but rather a piece of gabbro.

Now, due to that uniform crystal size and density, gabbro can be shined up to a mirror-like surface and that's where the problem with it is as it's ordinarily used comes in. It is impossible to keep clean if it's being used as a kitchen counter when it has that mirror finish. I have never heard of someone who had it and liked it. But the problem isn't the material, it's the finish. It will show every finger print, water spot, smear and smudge. It would drive me insane.

Here's a slab of absolute black with a honed finish. The honed finish tones down the black quite a bit, and in so doing, it eliminates the mirror effect.

Here's a whole kitchen done in honed Absolute Black. It's a much calmer counter than the shot at the top of this post, wouldn't you say?

Now, because true Absolute Black "Granite" is a premium, a lot of less-than-honorable stone suppliers will take a less-expensive predominantly black granite and call it Absolute Black because most people can't tell the difference.

Sometimes; similar, dishonorable suppliers will actually dye inexpensive granite with black pigments and sell it as more expensive Absolute Black.

Not that I'd know any of these less-than-honorable business people personally...

Anyhow, if you're in the market for absolute black, make sure that what you're buying is just that. If it looks like this, it ain't absolute black.

And as a completely unrelated yet completely cool side note, the paving stones on the streets of Pompeii are gabbro.

Sometimes I just love geology. Even if the only person I fascinate with this stuff is me.

And another thing about soapstone...

After I finished that last bit about soapstone, I picked up my current copy of K+BB, a kitchen and bath trade publication. The cover photo this month is of an uber modern kitchen renovation in Hawaii that features soapstone counters. Here are some shots of it, please pardon their lousy
resolution and small size.

I really like this kitchen and the more I read about it the more I liked it. The designers behind it used a line of German cabinetry called Studio Becker. Studio Becker is about as good as it gets as far as I'm concerned. They are exquisitely made and their finishes have to be seen to be believed. They will also set you back farther than any other line of cabinetry I can think of. If people have an awareness of a high-end European cabinet the name they think of is Poggenpohl. Studio Becker makes Poggenpohl look like junk from Ikea. I kid you not. I go on regular pilgrimages to the McKB (that's the Manhattan Center for Kitchen and Bath if you're not in the know) specifically to run my unworthy fingers over their Studio Becker displays.

So this tells me that the kitchen I'm showing you here set these owners back in excess of $100,000, probably well in excess of $100K. That's all well and good too, if you want to spend that kind of money on your house than God love you for it. Please make sure you call me first. Hah! Anyhow, this design ended up with its own name. I don't know if it came from the homeowners or from the designers, but this design has been dubbed "Zen."

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but Zen is a school of Buddhism whose adherents turn inward in a search for inner peace and wisdom. The practice of Zen encourages people to turn their backs to the trappings of the world and instead concentrate on more weighty, non-temporal matters.

Now I ask you, how is spending more than $100K on a kitchen renovation in any way Zen? Man that drives me nuts.

So my rantings aside, soapstone can be used to terrific effect in a modern setting, even if it's unpardonably labeled "Zen."

Please pass the soapstone

Another metamorphic rock that makes its way into homes is steatite, commonly called soapstone. It's composed primarily of the mineral talc with a healthy does of magnesium for good measure. The magnesium is where it gets its grey color. Soapstone formation occurs in regions of tectonic subduction and in the presence of water. Let me whip out my rock phase illustration again.

By the time a slab of soapstone ends up in some one's home, it's between 400 and 500 million years old to give you some sense of the timeline involved in its formation.

Soapstone is soft. You can write your name in it with a fingernail is how soft. Due to its high talc content, it feels somewhat like a bar of soap to the touch, hence its name.

Even though it's very soft, it's an excellent material for kitchen and bath counters. Unlike a lot of stone, soapstone is neither alkaline nor acidic and is completely inert. That means that virtually nothing can make it react chemically. Vinegar and lemon juice, the great etchers of marble, have no effect on soapstone. It's virtually non-porous, so oils and dark-colored liquids can't stain it.

The stuff's used for table tops in chem labs for a reason.

Most people oil their soapstone with mineral oil but this doesn't do anything but enhance its color and minimize the appearance of the hairline scratches it will accumulate over time. In its un-oiled state, soapstone is grey. Add mineral oil and it turns black. With repeated applications, this oil-induced black color will become permanent, but that's due to the oil oxidizing on the surface of the stone.

Soapstone's an excellent heat diffuser and that's why it gets used to make fireboxes and wood stoves. It's also water proof and that's why it gets used to make sinks and cookware.

Soapstone is a great material to use in a kitchen. Its grey-black color is an achromatic neutral and that means it will go with anything. If you're considering a kitchen renovation and you want to try something different but still a natural stone, think about soapstone.