Oh look! A cute bunny!

Someone told me that I sounded like an angry man yesterday. I suppose that if I start running random photos of bunnies or puppies I'll be able to counteract that.

Oh look! Another bunny!

No wait a minute, it's the same one. Oh well. 

Here's how I prefer my bunnies anyhow.

Main Dish: How To Make Rabbit Fricassee

I think some one's confusing my rapier wit with a raging fit and nothing could be further from the truth. People who aren't motivated by sentimentality aren't any more angry than they are purple. Similarly, people who are run by sentiment aren't automatically happy (or stupid). Some people see a rabbit and think "Awwwww, what a cute bunny." Then again, some people see a rabbit and think, "Yum! Dinner!" And you know what? Neither of those reactions means a thing.

Dziękujemy i zapraszamy do mojego bloga!

According to Google Translator, that says thank you and welcome to my blog in Polish. My story about the awful back splash got picked up by a Polish design site this morning and I've been inundated with visitors from Poland all day. I am flattered and honored. The site is called Babeczkaa and it is an interesting thing indeed to see that piece discussed in Polish. Check it out!

Reader Question: How do I get on TV?

Help! How does one get chosen to be on a kitchen remodel show?

I have no idea, but I would like to acknowledge your use of "one" as a substitute pronoun in that sentence. Bravo!

Now, why on earth would anyone want to be the victim of one of those TV shows? The makeover programs you're aspiring to are where we get garbage like this:

Really, is that the sort of thing you want for yourself? Granted, that's a bathroom and you want to be in a kitchen show, but the point remains the same.

Makeover TV shows exist for one reason, to make compelling TV. It may be hard to believe, but they don't exist to make their participants' dreams come true. Everything about them serves the camera, first and foremost. If it makes for compelling television to take your wants and needs into consideration, then they will. If your wants and needs don't jive with the producer's, guess who's going to win. The same thing goes for the finishes. If they decide that hot-gluing corrugated cardboard and hay onto your back splash would look great on camera, you're getting a back splash made from hay hot-glued to corrugated cardboard. If the show's sponsors are providing orange counters that week, what color do you think your counters are going be? The TV camera rules. Period.

The TV cameras and the producers and the sponsors are going to decide for you what your kitchen should be. Then they are going to require that you like what they do. At least while the cameras are rolling. After a week of strangers tracking mud through your living room stinking up your bathroom you'll be ready to flip out. And rest assured, they'll capture that special moment for the world to see when it happens. Screaming mad homeowners make compelling TV, not quiet and content ones.

And if all that weren't enough, you might be asked to pay for your project after all. Or you might be required to do some of the work. Or maybe they'll leave it half done and you'll have to finish what they started. Please remember that if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

Beware anybody who offers you a free lunch, because there's no such thing. Now please stop watching HGTV. All it does is fill your head with crazy ideas.

Save your money and renovate your own kitchen according to your own tastes and on your own timeline. It will mean more to you and it will be yours.

Don't call me if your house looks like this

While I'm purging my foul humors this week, I have one last thing to get out of my system.

A couple of months ago I went on an appointment with someone. He'd called the previous week and had passed my phone test. When I get a phone call I think I do a pretty good job of explaining who I am and what I do. I usually throw some budget numbers around in that initial contact to let people know that I'm a value proposition, not necessarily a low-cost one. If you want a cheap renovation, I'm not your guy. If you want a great one, then please please please call me.

Anyhow, I walked into his home and was immediately assaulted by an odor so foul I nearly turned around and left on the spot. However, I'd driven a half hour to get there and I'd at least hear the man out. It smelled like a land fill in there. A landfill with under tones of an unwashed body and an end note of a wet golden retriever. Welcome to my nightmare.

In addition to living in a pig sty, the man was unpleasant and demanding. He asked me for a ball park number on the spot. I never play that game but I had to get out of there pronto. I looked at him and just told him I wasn't interested.

Strangely, the whole interaction was exhausting, all ten minutes of it. I was mortified by how the guy lived but at the same time, it was so clearly the result of some kind of pathology. Some small part of me wanted to fix up his place for him and by extension, fix up his life. But I learned a long time ago that I can't do that with the people I care about, let alone with total strangers.

So I drove home, took a shower and wiped out my refrigerator. I figured I'd clean up after myself since I can't clean up after strangers. I'm not a real sensitive guy, but that guy's mess took a toll on me. 

I don't know, I am in and out of other people's houses all the time. I have seen it all and I really do keep a nearly clinical detachment. People who call me want my help so I usually don't pay a whole lot of attention to their housekeeping. But this one was beyond anything I'd ever come across though. What would you do?

A Very Bad day

I received a noticed in the mail the other week from the Florida Department of Motor Vehicles. I've had my current driver's license for ten years and it was time for me to go in and get a new photo taken.

In Florida, we have the option to make an appointment with the DMV to get things like this taken care of. It's a pretty great idea actually and it's always worked without a hitch for me. Until today that is.

I had an appointment set for this morning at the start of a pretty full day. I figured I'd get my photo taken, get a new license and be on my way in fifteen minutes. What's that saying about the best laid plans again?

I arrived five minutes before my appointment and walked into the DMV. I checked in at the front desk and presented the guy behind said desk with my old license, my passport and a copy of an electric bill. On the DMV's website, there's a list of about 40 kinds of documents a Floridian can use to prove to the DMV that he or she's a Florida driver, a US citizen, and a resident at the address the DMV has on file. I figured I had it covered. Mr. Customer Service at the front desk wasn't having though. Buried on that website somewhere is the requirement that I present my Social Security card in addition to the rest of the paperwork they "need." I never carry my Social Security card. Ever. Since you can't get a US Passport with a Social Security card, I figured ownership of a passport would imply that I did in fact have a Social Security card and was in fact a US citizen.

The front desk people at the DMV must go to the TSA for their training, because this guy was an absolute ass about my not having my "paperwork in order." After a lot of strident point making on my part, he relented. "Just this once," he growled. I then got to stand in line.

As soon as I assumed my place in line, all six of he DMV counter people who were working this morning jumped up and held a huddle. Five of them walked away from their stations to go do pressing DMV business and they left one guy behind to deal with a gathering crowd of Floridians in need of pressing DMV business.

Since I had an appointment, I was allowed to go to the head of the line. As I stood there, I noticed that there were signs all over the counters asking me to donate a dollar to something called "Families First." My blood pressure started to rise. Under the logo for Families First was their tag line, "Making families stronger!" If you don't know, Families First is a political lobbying organization masquerading as a social service agency in Florida. They have strong ties to James Dobson's Focus on the Family and their mandate to "Make families stronger" consists of programs to disenfranchise gay people. Now if disenfranchising gay people is your thing, hurray for you. Believe and do anything you want. So long as it's on your time and with your money, talk yourself blue in the face I don't care. However, when the state where I pay taxes allows this or any political group to solicit donations to a captive audience in a state facility, that state has crossed a line. It's ridiculous, it's enraging and it's WRONG.

Florida's a weird place. Fornication and sanctimony duke it out for first place in the list of most favored activities. Where else in the US can you stop and get a lap dance on your way to a drive through mega-church? Where else can you can you go to a two-for-one happy hour at eight in the morning? And where else can you make a donation to a rabidly anti-gay political organization while getting your license renewed? Ridiculous.

Anyhow, as I stood there fuming, the clock ticked on. 20 minutes... 30 minutes... 40 minutes... There was still only one guy behind the counter and at 40 minutes he called my name. I composed myself as I walked over to his desk. "This guy isn't responsible for the DMV and being mean to him is not the way to get him to speed this up," I was telling myself.

I handed him my license and he sat there, looking at me. "Why are you here?" he asked. "I'm here to get a new license," I told him. "Why do you need a new license? Did you lose you old one?" he asked me. Now mind you, he was holding my license as he asked me if I'd lost mine. Idiot. All of my composure went out the window. I yelled about there being no one working, I yelled about already being there for 40 minutes, I yelled about his not knowing I was there in response to a notice from the agency where he works. I yelled and he got defensive. I knew that's what would happen if I lost my cool and I still lost my cool. I don't know who I was more irritated with at that point, him or me.

Anyhow, hearing the ruckus I was causing was enough to draw a couple DMVers from the area offstage where they were engaged in pressing DMV business. A woman took her space at the cubicle next to the guy I was dealing with. She wasn't really doing anything though, so I assumed she was some kind of an observer sent there to keep an eye on things.

My guy entered my name into his computer and told me I needed to take a driver's test. "What?!  Why is this the first I'm hearing this?! A driver's test? I haven't taken a driver's test since I was 16-years-old! A driver's test?! I have never had so much as a speeding ticket, why on earth do I need to take a driver's test?!" He couldn't tell me why, but my file had been flagged and sure enough, I needed to re-take my driver's test.

This was growing increasingly absurd and I calmed myself down again and apologized for my outburst. I was telling my guy that I didn't understand why I needed to re-take a driver's test and he assured me that he didn't know either. I asked him why the DMV hadn't sent me a notice telling me this and he just shrugged.

Just then, the observer poked her head over the divider and opined, "Sometimes, our past catches up with us." I flipped out anew.

"What past? Who are you talking about?! I don't have a past! I've never had so much as a speeding ticket!" Blah blah blah.

By now I was an hour into this and I calmed myself back down. "Just take their damn test" I told myself, "take the test and get out of here."

So I did. I took and passed the Florida driver's exam. No one I talked to had any idea why I was being required to re-take this test to begin with, but the computer said I had to, so by gum, I had to.

What an absolute waste of half a day. "Sometimes, out past catches up with us." Indeed. 

I still want to know what's on my driving record and that information lives in Tallahassee. Why do I think that this is going to another ordeal to get to the bottom of this?