Reader question: What is this and what do I do with it?

Help! I bought this bedroom set but I've no idea what the style is called or how to decorate around it. The bedroom is a square 17 x 17 with light grey carpet and walls. Nothing else is in the room at the moment. I'd like to find a paint that fits the furniture (no yellows) and decorate the room from scratch. Learning the style name would help. I'll take any ideas!

Before I get into your questions, I have a question for you. Is it too late to return it? If the answer's yes, check out the Silentnight web page for a great selection of beds and mattresses.

Oh my. Wow. I'd call that "style" a cartoon. It's a really poorly executed attempt to capture the allure and glamor of Italy. People who don't know any better refer to that "style" as Tuscan. Please see my post from 27 February, How Do I Decorate My Tuscany Dining Room. But really, it's wrong on a whole lot of levels.

So to answer your question about how to integrate it into a large bedroom so that you can decorate from scratch, I say scratch the bedroom suite and start over. You've fallen into a trap that catches a lot of people by the way, so don't feel too bad. 

That trap of course is not planning. If you're going to decorate that bedroom from scratch, the first thing you need is a plan. I know that taking the time to put together a plan removes the thrill of stumbling across treasures you'll impulse buy (like that Godawful bed and night stand), but trust me, it's worth it.

Step one in a plan I'd suggest is to hire an interior designer. But if you don't want to do that, start with a list of needs. Figure out what you need the furniture in your bedroom to do. You'll need a bed, obviously. Then you'll need night stands, lamps, a carpet, linens, window treatments and then furniture to hold your clothes. Inventory your stuff and think about how much storage you actually need. Don't think about what any of this stuff will look like yet, concentrate on function first.

Once you know what this bedroom furniture is going to do, then you can start thinking about how it's going to look. Before you start picking finishes though, you'll need to draw up a floor plan so you can make sure everything will fit. You can do it old school and get yourself a sheet of graph paper and draw a room in a scale where a quarter of an inch equals a foot. Or, you can do it new school and draw it in SketchUp. Keep it simple and go easy on the themes. After all, the theme should be you and your life.

Based on your selection of that bed and nightstand, you like things to be a bit on the traditional side. That's perfectly fine, just be careful of scale and proportion. The bedroom suite in your photo is massive and ungainly. Something like that will overwhelm that bedroom. Take it down a few pegs. Look for smaller-scale stuff and don't buy a suite. Your furniture shouldn't match necessarily, but it ought to come together into a cohesive group.

Now, if you can't return that bedroom suite and you're stuck with it just go for Baroque (bad pun I know) and pretend you're the Sun King. recreate Versailles with it.

Actually, please don't. Beg if you have to but return that bed and night table.

Reader question: Where do I look at granite slabs?

Help! I'm renovating my kitchen and want to put in natural stone (Granite or marble) countertops. Can you give me the name of a supplier who has full slabs that I can go and look at? 

I want to be able to pick my own slab and have that turned into my countertop.

Hmmm. You didn't tell me where you are so I can't recommend anyone. But if I were you, I'd do a Google search using terms like "granite fabricator + [my town]." The addition sign isn't needed any more but old habits die hard. Your instinct to look at slabs of stone before you buy anything is the correct one though.

Wanting to look at slabs is a good idea, but it's more than just a good idea. It should be the standard operating procedure of every vendor involved in your kitchen renovation. Never buy a natural stone anything from someone who won't let you look at full slabs. I don't care how tight and repetitive the granite pattern in question is, natural stone needs to be seen as full slabs. All natural stone has color variations and some of them are hugely consequential. It is impossible to get a feel for what granite looks like from a small sample. The same goes for marble, quartzite, gabbro, serpentinite, limestone, sandstone, travertine, sinter or any other dimensional stone.

I have boxes full of 4-inch by 4-inch granite and marble samples, but I use them to put palettes together. As in, "here's your cabinet wood and color, your floor tile, your wall tile, your wall colors and your granite color." I'm using those granite samples to illustrate colors, not to make decisions about patterns.

If you're renovating your kitchen, a really smart first step would be to talk to a kitchen designer. When you're interviewing the designer,  make sure that he or she is planning a field trip to a stone yard as part of the process of putting a design together for you. Any kitchen designer worth his salt has a relationship with a stone fabricator already. He or she should be willing to use that relationship to educate you first-hand about your counter options. That can only be done in a stone yard.

Scattered throughout this post are a bunch of granite samples. They are similar to the size samples that home centers use to sell granite counters. This borders on criminal activity and here's why. All of these samples are close ups cut from the slab below.

Imagine falling in love with the first or second samples only to have the slab up there show up after you've already spent several thousand dollars. Oy!

Reader question: Can I paint tumbled marble?

Help! Is it possible to paint on tumbled marbled tiles with permanent pigment inks and seal it with a sealant? Can this then be used for a kitchen backsplash?  If yes, then what brand of permanent pigment inks are best to use and which sealant to use?

Hmmmmm. You aren't indicating to me whether or not these tumbled marble tiles are already on a wall or if they're in a box waiting to be placed on a wall. In either case, my advice remains the same. Sure you can paint tumbled marble tile, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. So stop right now and don't do it. Make some coasters out of that tile because that's about all it's good for.

Let me disclaim something here. I hate tumbled marble. I think it looks cheesy and cheap. There, I said it. Tumbled marble is made from marble and travertine that's not of sufficient quality to be used without the tumbled finish. In other words, it's made from the reject pile. It would be one thing if it were sold as a cheap material made from rejects, but it's not. People think of it as being some kind of classy addition to their homes but it's anything but. It's a spongy, soft material that sucks up whatever liquid gets near it. That's why it makes a good coaster but a really lousy back splash.

It's sort of like giving someone a fur coat only to admit later that it's a rabbit fur coat. It's a cheap imitation of luxury and it looks bad at the same time. Ugh. See these photos littering this post today? This is what bad kitchen renovations look like and what do all of them have in common? Cheesy, cheap tumbled marble, that's what. There are no shortcuts to character. Putting a rough finish on formerly rejected stone tile doesn't make it look interesting, it makes it look cheap.

So my advice to you is don't do it. Don't paint it, don't stain it and don't use it. If it's already on the wall, chip it off and start over. If you're itching to do something with your back splash and you don't have a whole lot of money to spend I can understand that. Frankly at this stage of the game I can relate to it too. 

A better idea if you're looking to tile a back splash is to just get plain, white 6" x 3" ceramic tiles and set them in a subway pattern. You can find those tiles for a quarter apiece if you're clever and setting tile is really easy. Install a white tile back splash and use white grout with it. It's a classic pattern and it's been around for more than 150 years. Don't get cute with it and it will look great forever. And by cute I mean by cutting in inserts and listellos. Just keep it basic and make your kitchen interesting with accessories, but just a few of them. Contrast the ceramic tile photo above with the festival 'o cheese above it. You know, the one with the red toaster. That kind of stuff makes my eyes bleed. Is that what you want? I hope not. Tumbled marble always ends up looking like that --cheesy. Don't do it. 

Reader question: How do I explain a bidet to a four-year-old?

Help! My husband, my son and I were over at my cousin's new house last weekend and while we were walking around the master bath and oohing and aahing over the size and decor it was hard not to notice that she had one of those things (I blush when I say the word) next to the toilet. I can't help it, every time I see one they just scream out to me "We have lots of s*x and don't shower afterwards." Anyhow, my four-year-old asked why they had two toilets in the bathroom. I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say, so I told him that there were two so that no one had to wait while the other one finished. He said "nasty" and didn't push it any further. But seriously, what do you tell the kids?

Mother of God woman! Part of me wants to be calm and reassuring but an even bigger part of me want to throttle you. I'm really floored by this. I mean really. What the hell kind of a question is that? Based on your description and your shame-based reaction to it, I'm going to assume what you're talking about is a bidet. There, I said it. Bidet. Repeat after me. Bi-day. See? Nothing happened. It's just a word.

Similarly, a bidet is an object and as such it can't good or bad, it just is. Whatever discomfort you feel about bidets is coming from your own sick mind. Bidets don't scream anything. They can't because they're objects. Sex is another word that's just a word. You might have a better grip on what to tell your son if you could bring yourself to spell out the word sex in an e-mail to a stranger. Similarly, penis, vagina and anus are just words. As words they can't be anything but neutral. As body parts they can't be anything other than morally neutral either. What ever meaning or significance they have, their rightness or wrongness, comes from you. They are also the body parts that get washed in a bidet. See? Simple words describing simple, every day acts. No big deal. No cause for alarm. No sweeping statements about my character for the simple act of describing something.

Your skittishness about spelling out the word sex or even writing the word bidet speak of much larger issues you have about your body, other people's bodies and the biological functions those bodies perform. For the sake of your son, please talk to somebody about this stuff. You owe it to him and more importantly, you owe it to yourself. How can you expect to be an effective parent if you can't call things what they are?

So to answer your question, "what do you tell the kids?" The answer is the truth. Tell them the truth about this and about everything else. Rather than making up a lie and getting the response you got (which by the way is the seed of your neuroses taking root in a new generation --good job!), you could have told him something as simple as "some people wash themselves in a bidet." That way, you could have called a thing what it is and you could have told him the truth at the same time. If it led to more questions, then you could have answered them. Truthfully. Pretty simple stuff, really.

And while we're on the subject of the truth, people do use bidets to clean themselves. Really. That's all they're for. Having one doesn't say anything, because it can't. It's a thing if you remember, and things don't talk. So do me a favor if you haven't already stopped reading. The next time you're in the presence of a bidet, climb on board. The Pause that Refreshes will take on a whole new layer of meaning, believe me.

Reader question: What never goes out of style?

Help! My husband and I are about to renovate our kitchen and I want to know what never goes out of style before we start spending money on this project. What style, in wood type and color never goes out of style?

Hmmm. I hear this question a lot and I'm going to answer it by not answering it. At least not yet. First, let's start by taking a stroll through some kitchen designs of the last 100 years. This is by no means an exhaustive survey of every kitchen style that's come and gone in that time period, but it will help me make my point so bear with me.

Here's a kitchen from 1921.

Here's one from 1931.

Here's 1941

1951

1961

Here's 1971

And 1981

Here's a kitchen from 1991

2001 already looks pretty dated already

And here's what's being billed as a traditional style right now.

As you can see, the words timeless and kitchen don't belong in the same sentence. Even the last photo, the "traditional" one, is pure trend. That layout, those appliances, that cabinetry... it's all very right now. It may take a page from some past styles, but in the era it's invoking (1910-1920), a kitchen looked nothing like that.

Contemporary kitchen design is new, regardless of the style of the room. The idea of a kitchen being the center of activity in a home was unheard of until 30 years ago. Pretend for a moment that it's 1955 and you're talking to your grandmother. Imagine her reaction to the news that you're planning to spend the equivalent of half your annual income on a kitchen renovation that will become the focal point of your home. She'd think you'd lost your mind and then she'd tell you to get out of the way so that she could get back to boiling the pot of diapers she'd been working on all morning.

Kitchen designs change because our culture changes, and it's not just a function of trends in taste. Social changes, technological changes, economic changes, etc., evolve and reinforce each other over time. You'd hate an authentically period kitchen because you don't live the way people lived 20, 30, 40 or 50 years ago. How things look is inextricably linked to how things work.

I say that there's no real answer to your question. Renovation and construction always look like the time when they were built or renovated. The minute you start swinging a hammer is the same moment that time stops and how you live right now gets preserved for all time. Or for as long as whatever you're building lasts. So even though I say that there's no answer to your question, here's some advice as you go about deciding how to spend your money. 

The first being that quality doesn't go out of style. Well-made cabinetry and appliances that are made to last will get you more years of use and satisfaction than cheap stuff will. In it for the long haul? Stay out of big box stores and get ready to spend some money.

Second, I'd advise you to avoid specialty finishes on your cabinetry. That means anything with a glaze, a distressed paint or anything intended to give new cabinetry or furniture instant character. Character has to be earned and that's as true of your cabinetry and furniture as it is about your personality. Short cuts to character don't work. 

Third, avoid adding colors that are right now to things you can't change easily. A good case in point is the light blue and brown color palettes that are still all over the place. Getting light blue appliances, a finish color available from Dacor right now, might look good for now but five years from now you will hate them. If you love that blue and brown palette, get blue and brown throw rugs, not appliances. A blue throw rug costs $20 a blue fridge $3000 to $4000. You tell me, which would you rather replace in a couple of years? So the lesson here is to accessorize with trendy colors, don't build them in.

Finally, do some research on where kitchen design has been and where the experts think it's headed. You cannot anticipate what's next with any degree of certainty, but you can take steps from getting yourself locked in the past too tightly. The idea that the kitchen is the center of a home in 2009 is not something that's going away any time soon. But this Old World style that can't go away fast enough is a recipe for heartache later. Where to turn for guidance you ask? Hire a professional kitchen designer to help you realize your dream. Explain very clearly to him or her what you want to do and have this designer be standing in your home while you do this explaining. Think this through and have a detailed plan before you start writing checks and you'll be a lot happier in 10 years than you would be otherwise. Whatever you end up with, be sure that it reflects your life, your hopes, your needs and your wants.

Reader Question: New lighting in my kitchen?

Help! I just discovered your blog and love it! Thank you for sharing. What brought me here: I am in the early stages of a budget kitchen remodel. I live in a 1963 Royal Barry Wills Cape that was designed to look much older. There are black latches on the interior doors, not knobs, old fashioned windows, etc. My kitchen needed some updating, but I want to keep the cottage style. My kitchen is small --it's a wide galley with seven foot high ceilings.

I'm planning to replace the '70s tile floor with oak hardwood. I'm going to hire a professional to paint the cabinetry Benjamin Moore White dove. I'm going to replace the cabinetry hardware, replace the Formica counters and put in a bead board ceiling.

What ceiling light should I use and what counter material do you recommend? I love this Schoolhouse light for over the sink and I like soapstone counters but I'm concerned about sopastone's scratching and upkeep.

Thanks for the questions and I'd be glad to weigh in on both of them. Before I do though, if you're in a Royal Barry Wills Cape Cod home, you really ought to check out Gina Milne's Willow Decor. Gina lives in a Royal Barry Wills home and knows more about that architecture than anyone I know.

You want to light that room with a combination of recessed lights for ambient light and then a pendant over the sink and under cabinet lights for task lighting. Despite the fact that your ceilings are rather low, you want to go with recessed lights. Use three- or four-inch cans and use more of them than you think you should.

Put all of your lights on dimmers so you can control the light levels in that room based on what your needs are. Do not use a central, ceiling mounted light fixture. All you'll get is glare, something you want to avoid, avoid, avoid. Think about the work areas that will be in your new kitchen and place your cans accordingly. A mistake a lot of people make is to stick with a geometric layout for recessed lights without regard to how that lighting has to be used.

Hang an interesting pendant light in the appropriate scale over the sink. It will add task lighting and at the same time become a focal point in your renovated kitchen. Use xenon box lights for under cabinet light like this:

Have them put on dimmers too. Don't use puck lights because you'll end up with a row of spot lights. Kitchens should be lit evenly to avoid glare and shadows.

But more than any other advice I can give about lighting a kitchen, the best advice I can give is to go to an independent lighting store and talk to a lighting designer. Lighting design is a profession for a reason and no home center or website can give you the same kind of service and advice as an actual, flesh and blood lighting pro. Let a lighting designer put together a lighting plan for you and then let him or her supply your lights. It will be money well spent.

Now, so far as soapstone on your counters, I say go for it. The neutral color of soapstone will allow you to do anything you want to color-wise in that kitchen and it's entirely appropriate for a '60s-era Cape Cod home. While it's true that soapstone is soft and it can be scratched, it really has no maintenance or upkeep issues. Soapstone is completely non-reactive so you can't stain it and it's also non-porous. It gets used in chemistry labs for a very good reason. I have never met someone who has soapstone counters who didn't also love them.

Often times, people wipe down their soapstone counters with mineral oil but that mineral oil is not making the counter water proof or sealing it in any way. Rather, mineral oil sits on the surface of the stone and oxidizes, making the stone appear to be darker. I wrote a defense of soapstone back in October and you can jump to it here: Please Pass the Soapstone.

So my advice is go to a lighting designer to get a layout for a lighting plan and then say yes to soapstone.

And one last nugget of neighborly advice because I just can't help myself. Purge the clutter. Get rid of all of the stuff on your counters except for one or two things that you use every day. If you want to display something, hang it on a wall. If it won't hang on a wall get it out of your kitchen. Nothing makes a small kitchen look even smaller more than clutter. Good luck!

Got a question? Ask!

Reader question: two pedestal sinks in the master bath?

Help! You always give no nonsense advice and we are in the middle of gutting our master bath. It's fairly large, and we're thinking of putting pedestal sinks in. What do you think? My tile designer says no pedestal sinks in a master bath... that people want something more substantial like a built in vanity with granite. What do you think?

Really? Someone told you that you shouldn't put pedestal sinks in a master bath? Where does this kind of "advice" come from? Who comes up with this crap? Really, who?

A lot of times this sort of rule making comes about as a result of an obsession with resale values mixed with entirely too much time spent in front of HGTV. Then take those two elements and sprinkle them liberally with someone who doesn't know what he or she is talking about and you get hackneyed advice like that. Tell your "tile designer" to take a hike.

The truth of the matter is that the only rule is that there aren't any rules. Every situation, every room and every homeowner is different. Do you like pedestal sinks? Can the room  handle them? If the answer is yes to both of those questions, then by all means put two pedestal sinks in your mater bath and get on with things.

All too often, people get hung up on what may or may not turn off a potential buyer at some point down the road. It is impossible to know who may some day look at your home as a potential buyer and you will drive yourself insane worrying about it. So just let that one go and make a home for yourself that you love. Besides, when have you ever not put an offer on a home because of the presence or lack of pedestal sinks?

The sorts of things that will make someone not make an offer on a home are filth, poorly and cheaply executed improvements, clutter and again, filth. If you want to improve your odds should you ever resell a home, buy nice fixtures and just let it go. When you do go to put your house on the market, clean it to within an inch of its life and keep it that way for as long as it stays on the market.

And in the meantime, put together a master bath that makes you happy. Since you're going to the expense of remodeling a master bath, get good pedestal sinks. Tiny, $100 pedestal sinks from an endcap at Home Depot are wasting your time and effort. Get decent-sized ones that will give your a ledge that surrounds the actual sink. 

Take a look at the Memoirs pedestal from Kohler and you'll see what I mean by a ledge around the sink. That ledge is not intended to be a storage area, though that's precisely what it'll end up being if you don't plan for a place to put your stuff beforehand. Think about hanging a shallow shelf on the wall the sinks attach to. It sounds like you have a bit of room in this master bath, so why not bring in a piece of furniture? Find an antique chest of drawers or dressing table and set it between the two pedestals. Make it interesting, make it practical and make it attractive and you will enjoy that master bath for years to come.

Reader Question: How do I decorate my Tuscany dining room?

Help! I am in the process of gutting my first floor and I'm going to get a Tuscany dining room. I want to decorate the room with bunches of dried roses but I'm worried that they're not right for a Tuscany theme.

Oh man, there is so much wrong here I don't know where to start. Before you spend a dime, stop what you're doing. Stop and then take $1500 out of your budget and fly to Florence for a couple of days. Well, maybe $2000. Whatever it costs, it will have a value that transcends its price. You see, while you're there you'll gaze at what the real Tuscany looks like and hopefully you'll forget all about this dining room you have in mind. Oh, and as a point of order, Tuscany is a noun and Tuscan is an adjective. What you have in mind is a Tuscan dining room, not a Tuscany dining room. If I have anything to say about it you won't have either, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

This Tuscan thing that you see in your mind is an entirely American invention. It's not even an homage, it's a cartoon. Here's what a dining room in the real Tuscany looks like. 

Note the lack of bunches of dried roses. There are no fake sunflowers or clots of plastic grapes either. There aren't any framed posters with nonsensical Italian phrases hanging on the wall, nor is there any faux painted brick. It's a basic, small table jammed into the space not already taken up by a tiny kitchen. It's neat as a pin, it's simple and it's orderly. But real Tuscan style isn't about decor or themed dining rooms. It's about views like this.

Or views like this.

Views like that beget a worldview that's entirely Tuscan and how things look over there are a product of that worldview. The real Tuscany is about making the best use of a small space. The real Tuscany is about embracing life, it's about authenticity, it's about quality over quantity in everything. There's no theme here, there's no attempt to recreate a magazine spread or a dream house from some Developer's unimaginative mind. The truth of the matter is that unless you can see the Arno river pass under your dining room window, no amount of clutter will give you a "Tuscany dining room."

Man! That room up there burns my eyes. Please don't do something like that in your home. Sorry to be so brutal but what you're asking is for some kind of permission to turn your home into a miniature Las Vegas and that's something I refuse to go along with.

Listen, your dining room and indeed your whole home should tell your story, not somebody else's. The things you decorate with should be your things and if you're going to buy a dining table, buy one that's classic enough and made well enough that you can pass it on to your kids. Then in 50 years when it's in your daughter's home that same table will tell your story as it passes into her story. I suspect that's the feeling you're after. A feeling of permanence and a feeling of knowing you belong somewhere. That sort of thing isn't a theme, it's a way of life.

So if you want to bring some Tuscan sensibilities to your dining room, by all means do so. But study the real place, not The Venetian or the Bellagio. While you're enjoying the quick jaunt over to Florence I so strongly recommend, have your photo taken with the Duomo in the background then get it blown up and framed. Hang it in your dining room. I don't think it's possible to get more Tuscan than Florence, and it'll be yours. Authentically.

If you like bunches of dried roses, go for it. Just be sure that you like them and that you're not just adding them to advance some kind of ill-advised theme. So instead of asking me if they're appropriate, the person to ask is you. What do bunches of dried roses say about you? If you're happy with the answer than hang them by the bushel. If you're not happy with the answer then don't. If you're not sure then don't do anything. It's pretty simple really.

Reader question: what about mixing metals?

Q: Help! I changed out the ceiling light in my dining room with a brushed nickel finish. The lights in my kitchen & foyer are shiny brass. I'd like to replace the finish in the guest bath with nickel as well. But all my doorknobs and hinges throughout the house are shiny brass. Gosh, will I have to replace all these as well? Or can I mix them up?

What misguided soul is advising you and where does the idea come from that metals need to match everywhere? Oy. 

Well the answer is an emphatic no --there is no rule that says all metals in an entire house have to have matching finishes. While I'm at it, there really aren't any rules period. Design doesn't have rules; it has guidelines and accepted practices but these are hardly universal laws. Further, all of these guidelines and accepted practices share a common thread of intention. Spaces look designed because someone thought about them and imposed some kind of order on a disorderly universe. That's the big picture as I see it anyway.

Human beings are pattern-recognition machines. It's the root of our success as a species, and good design harnesses human brains' automatic pattern recognition skills. Better design manipulates and guides those same skills. I wrote about the Rule of Three a couple of months ago and that Rule of Three is nothing more than a pretty basic pattern (some would say the most basic pattern). Introducing a pattern and then sticking with it is fundamental and it's the easiest way to tackle things like metal finishes.

When I'm working with a client and the topic of metal finishes comes up, it's usually in the context of a kitchen and whether or not the knobs and pulls need to match the faucet and sink. The answer again is a resounding no, but what those metal finishes have to do is make some kind of sense. So the easiest way to do this is to introduce a logic to the room you're working with. By a logic I mean a set of rules you're going to use as a guide.

Here's a good example. This kitchen featured a Wolf range and an equally spendy range hood. My client wanted them to be the focal point of this side of her kitchen, so they are the only elements that are shiny. Your brain and my brain and everybody's brain is drawn to shiny objects. Shiny stuff stands out and things with a matte finish retreat into the background. So when I picked the knobs and pulls, I went with a pewter finish so that it wouldn't draw any attention away from the range and the hood. Once that was established, I decided that any cabinet that had hinges would get a knob. That pretty much means all of the doors got knobs. The next rule was that anything that pulled out got a handle. So the drawers got handles. My client wanted to use some cup pulls, so I made an amendment to the second rule. So shallow drawers got a handle and deep drawers got a cup pull. We kept the same pewter finish on all of the knobs, handles and cup pulls to connect them. On the wall opposite the range, the sink and faucet were the focal points, so I picked a stainless steel apron front sink and a tall goose neck faucet, also in stainless. These two metal finishes are doing different jobs (one grabbing attention, the other avoiding the spotlight) and so they have different finishes. See? Easy.

So the answer to your question is still an emphatic no, your metal finishes don't have to match. They don't have to match but they do have to make sense. So make a room-specific set of rules for your project. It can be as simple as "Light fixtures have nickel finishes, door hardware has brass," and you can leave it at that.